Second week of school was great.
The whole buddypal thing...I'm done. I think it's a really silly thing for me to lose a friendship over but whatever. I don't think I like being treated like this. Funny thing is though I got almost the same advice from my cousins and my friend. There was only one difference. My friend said that if shes gonna treat me the way she has, then she can fuck off. My cousins told me the same thing except i should apologize first. Then if she doesn't accept....fuck her. Idk though. It still lingers in the back of my head. I really really hope she never reads this.

Now it's been one week since i had that stupid argument. I've had a hard time dealing. I'm pretty sure by now that shes tired of me instead of just mad. I'm pretty fucking stupid for making a big deal of that damn thing. To be honest, it doesn't even bother me that much. I guess I was just stupid enough to want her to make no comments. And now I got what I wanted. She wont even talk to me. I don't know if the sarcasm is evident from that but yeah. This last week has been difficult. I haven't been able to sleep properly all week due to my constant thinking about what happened. I wish she would just forget my stupid ass comments and talk to me again. Life is too short for us to be not talking like this. The reason I say this is because of how I got really close to her over the last 4 months. And for her to be ignoring me like this. Damn her and her determination. I know for a fact if she sets her mind to something, nothing is gonna change it. And unfortunately for me, I guess she's set her mind on not talking to me.

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Now playing: P. Diddy ft Keysha Cole - Last Night
via FoxyTunes

I haven't been able to sleep properly in almost a week now. That damn thing has been on my mind since saturday. It's now friday and I'm currently tired as hell but I can't sleep cos I still keep thinking about it. Life is too short for this to be happening. And yet, I can't complain. I think I can manage the year without my buddypal with me but it's gonna be fuckin hard. I'd much rather hae her talking to me then not talking to me.

Fuck im tired.

ugh

It's only been 4 days since I had that argument and I still regret every single thing I said. Why do I have to be so damn negative? If I wasn't so damn negative I could be enjoying my first week of school but instead I have to put up with this thing that never completely leaves my thoughts. 4 days and already I miss talking to her. If I could just have a chance to apologize.... but in this case I'm not too sure if that would work because apparently "I said what I needed to say". That one sentence scares the hell outta me. That along with "mabe you should talk to someone else". I don't know what to do. I want to call her but if she's tired of my negativity theres nothing I can do. And if she reads this she might take it as me being negative. It's not.

I am at a complete loss over what to do. All I ask is one more chance.
I don't know how to deal with this feeling of missing someone. I also hate seeing the look of disgust on her face when she sees me.

That hurts the most.

wfirst day cont.

I finished my first day of school. Not bad. the whole "friend ignoring me" was kind of offputting tho. I couldn't get it out of my head all day. Other than that I guess my first day was ok. I didn't meet any new people but thats cos I'm not good at that sort of thing. Right now I have a funny feeling in my chest. I think I miss my buddypal.

first day of school

I have the first day of junior year tomorrow and I can't sleep. Not only do I have to deal with the regular school year jitters, I have to deal with the fact I may have driven away a very good friend.
It started Saturday night when I took one of her comments towards me too seriously. We then ended up having an argument over how I should know by now that she was just messing around. I ended up saying that I was tired of how she's always playing and thats when she said that maybe I should just go talk to someone else. Stupid me thought that was the end of our argument and we could go back to talking.

Unfortunately for me, this isn't the first time I took one of her comments seriously. What I'm really scared of is that she's tired of my constant negativity and inability to know when she's playing. If she's tired of that, well, that is whats really on my mind right now. If she's just mad then I know that eventually she'll cool off enough for me to talk to her. But if she's tired of me.....I'm kinda sorta screwed.

Oh yeah, first day of school tomorrow. I'm nervous and excited at the same time. I really have to sort my classes out since most of them suck monkey balls. I especially need to get outta filipino 3 because I can't stand the teacher. I need to get into my algebra 2 class that was taught by my last year teacher. First thing imma do is go see what the best lie I can use to get in is.

I'm gonna go practice my guitar now. Ugh and I thought the alcohol I had earlier woud put me to sleep. Guess not =[

I know its a bit soon to be blogging again but I just realized something. It's gonna be midnight in about an hour and I went an entire day. After 4 months. Everything just hit me all at once. No more. Well, all good things come to an end right?

Laundromats and other.

Laundromats are fun. They're not actually fun but you definitely have the chance to witness some funny things at them. More like funny thing. I went to one today with my mom so we could wash some of our blankets and we spent about $15 just to was and dry 3 things. In my opinion, that's a little bit too much to pay just to wash and dry 3 things. While I was there I noticed that all the people there seemed to have he same kind of laundry basket. I dunno if theres only one kind of laundry basket that you can buy here, but everyone had the same one. And not just one, some had 2 or 3 baskets with them. I had always thought that all those happenings at laundromats I see on tv were false but today when I was there I managed to see a man in boxers. At first I thought he was just wearing shorts until my mom pointed out to me later on that he had put pants on. That could only mean that he actually took off his pants in the laundromat and washed them before putting them back on. My mom and I had a laugh at that for quite a while.

While I was waiting for our blanket to finish washing I sat in the car listening to music. What's so interesting about that you ask? Well, nothing. I spent most of the time in the car putting the car into neutral, rolling backwards a few feet, and then putting it into drive and then flooring it. I mostly wanted to see if it was possible to shift an auto into neutral without turning it on. Turns out you can, and once I figured that out I just kept rolling the car back and forth.

Another odd little bit from laundromats. Watching a blanket go through the dryer is strangely entertaining in the sense that each time the tumbler rotates, the blanket falls in a different way. Yes, I know that I'm incredibly simple for finding that amusing but whatever. If you were in a laundromat without anything to occupy yourself with, you'd think of something incredibly simple to occupy yourself with too.

As of right now I'm still determined to make a change in my life and the way I act but...
I had the chance to do something today but I didn't. Something as simple as seeing someone from school at a store I managed to mess up. I don't normally talk to this person but when I walked in to the store she grabbed me on the shoulder and scared the shit outta me. We said hey and exchanged a high five before I walked off. I know it seems like theres nothing really out of the ordinary there and there really isn't. At least I dont think so. Anyway, the part where I think I could have done better was when I was about to leave. I sorta walked by and flashed a smile and was gonna say something. Unfortunately, I couldn't think of what to say so the smile turned into a look resembling "i dunno?" Yeah, not the best way of explaining I know. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I either should have flashed the smile and kept walking or flashed the smile and actually said something. I don't really know why I'm blogging this but I figure there isn't much else in my life worth blogging about.

I called my buddypal twice today. That's a personal best. I think I can say that I'm ok with us not talking now but thats only because I was occupied for most of today. Occupied, not busy. Busy would imply that I was doing something semi-important while occupied just means I was doing something that kept my mind off it. The something I was doing involved looking for plane tickets because both my parents are going on trips about 4 days apart. By that I mean that when one gets back, 4 or 5 days later the other will leave. Right now I don't know how thats going to go but its looking to be almost 2 months of me being alone. I really should get my life in order before then so I actually have something to do during that time.

With any luck I'll get over the whole not talking thing but shooot. 4 months is a loong time.

Reading over this entry I realize that it's quite rambly and most people would never actually read this far. But hey, if you made it this far, congratulations! You now know a little bit more about the boringness of my life. I also realize that I need to work a bit more on my transitions between paragraphs.

Happy entry/Bitchy entry

Reading back on my blog, (again) I noticed that there are only a few occasions where I've blogged about something that's not negative. I'm going to make it a point to write about some happy events more often in here. Of course, first I have to experience some happy events, seeing as I've been lacking in that area for quite a while now. I suppose I could start now by just writing about something happy in my past.

I think that out of my last 3 days of school, the best and most fun was the last Monday. First period in itself wasn't all that different. We had to do a physical test of sorts which involved basketball, volleyball, softball, and badminton. Out of all those, the only one I was able to pass first time was the badminton. Once we got the tests out of the way we had the rest of the period free. Unfortunately, the period happened to be 2 and a half hours long and the tests only took about 45 min. This wouldn't normally be a problem except for the fact that first period has never really been a great period for me. Theres not too many people for me to talk to. I ended up passing time the same way I always do. Talking to my mexican buddy Adrian. One of the funny moments was when a certain someone managed to throw bounce a ball off me straight into his head. About 10 minutes after that I walked away from PE for the last time.

Second period was where I had all the fun. Of course I had to finish my final first but the half hour of cramming I had the night before helped loads. Once everyone was done with their finals second period biology became fun. Teacher brought us food so we all ate some pizza and stuff. Some of the things that happened during this nearly 3 hour period were

*Nipple twist fight (Immature right?)
*Soda drinking challenge
*Walking into another class still taking their test.
*The theft of a friend's bag.
*The obligatory guitar circle (I was just observing)
*Our attempt at playing Half-Life on a laptop (we had one person controlling each movement)
*Carving up a watermelon using a flimsy 4 inch butterfly knife.
*Reminiscing on the previous year.

I realize now that I should have written this down sooner (as in the same day) but I figure better late then never right?

Moving on to something else...

Today has been a LOT easier for me compared to yesterday. Yesterday around this time I was feeling terribly depressed and I felt as if there was no point in me trying anymore. Today I still feel the same unhappiness about my life as I did yesterday except now I feel as if I can change it. Thats not exactly the best way for me to describe how I feel today but its as close as I'm probably going to get.

I suppose part of the reason why I'm depressed is that I've had to recently quit my buddypal.
For any of those wondering, (probably no one) my buddypal is someone that I've been talking to every night for the past 5 months. I know that the way I refer to her might make it seem as if she's imaginary but I assure you, buddypal is a real person. Thats just our nickname for each other. Anyway, I've been able to tell her all sorts of things that I could never tell anyone else and she's probably the closest thing to a best friend I'm ever gonna have. I think the fact that I have to stop talking to her now (she's got a bf) definitely contributes to my depression. Now that I can't talk to her, there's no one for me to confide in anymore. If I were still talking to her I would probably just tell her about my depression and I'd end up feeling better. Now that I've had to stop talking to her I've had to deal with my dissatisfaction of my life by myself. And thats not something I've had to do in more than 5 months.

Well that was my attempt at making a happy-ish blog entry. You may notice that it started out as such but quickly turned into another entry about how my life sucks. The explanation for that is the first half of this entry and the second half were written at different times.

No light.

It is 11pm on a Tuesday night and I'm sitting here at my kitchen counter on my dad's new laptop. Why I'm not currently out with friends or on the phone with someone is the reason why I decided to blog.

I managed to make it through 2 years of high school without getting anything proper accomplished. I never joined any sports, never socialized, and never worked. That would have been sort of ok if i had good grades. Thing is, I didn't. I managed to get almost straight C's throughout my 2 years which is nothing to be proud of. What all this has to do with me being home on a tuesday night I'm not so sure about yet. I think the main point of it all is that all the time i wasted goofing off and being immature and weird is kicking me in the ass now.

I hate this damn blog. All it shows to me is that I've been complaining about my life for almost 2 years without doing anything about it. I think now is the time for me to change it. There is a very good chance that I've said that before in this blog but I'm going to ignore that little tidbit.

I think I've reached the point where I just want to give up. I know tomorrow I probably won't feel the same but right now I feel as low as i can get. Sorta like... yeah. I bet dying hurts.

Summer thoughts.

Long time no post. It's not like anyone reads this anyway.Well, I'm down to my last few weeks of summer and I'm sure that I'm gonna find myself getting more and more depressed as the days go on. I never have anything to do, never get invited to anything, and I guess I must give off some sort of "weird" vibe that keeps people from talking to me on AIM. I mean, I actually know the people I'm talking to, only thing is I've never really spoken to them in real life. I dunno, its weird. My goal of guitar playing doesn't seem to be getting anywhere either. I don't practice enough.

I managed to finish summer school geometry with an A. Most of my friends seem to think that getting a summer school A is ten times easier than getting a regular school A. I think the only thing that makes a summer school A easier to achieve is the fact that during summer school, one doesn't have to worry about doing homework for other classes.

There really is nothing interesting to write about that happened during my summer. I've been talking on the phone with this one girl every night for months now and after something that happened recently, I'm starting to feel used. I kinda get the feeling that she's just using me to make someone else jealous and doesn't really want anything else to do with me. I'm the one who as to come with her to go to someone's house just because she's uncomfortable being with them alone. And when that happens, it's as if she's the one who did me a favor by letting me come with her. I mean, I know I have no life but there's no need for you to drag me along and then act as if you just did me the greatest favor. However she has managed to help me a lot with my problems, but even after all that I feel like I'm just the person she talks to when she can't talk to a particular person. I managed to waste 3 hours of my time trying to help her with an essay and didn't even get a thank you at the end. Maybe its just the fact that shes more of a people person than I am. Or maybe its just me being jealous of how close her and the other person are. Its even possible that I just have such low confidence in myself that I automatically assume that when someone is nice to me they're trying to get something from me. The only thing is, I'm not very rich so theres not much in the way of materials that I can offer. Actually theres not much of anything that I can offer her which just makes me feel more used. I remember one of my friends telling me that if you don't worry about peoples motives, you'll be a lot happier. I should start doing that. I think I'll start by not talking to her for an entire day. The only thing is, that is going to be very, very difficult because this is the person I've been talking to nightly since April. I guess I'll give it a shot.

Maybe one day someone will read this blog...