boo =[

It's nearly 3am on a Sunday morning, I have a headache, and I'm here on the laptop typing another useless entry on my blog. Yay me. I've got a lot of thoughts in my head right now. Most of them concern the same person that seems to end up on my mind so frequently. More than anything, I wish it would just go back to the way things were towards the end of last school year and the beginning of summer. Back then, everything was great. Things were the way they should be between friends. Then this school year started. Things haven't been smooth since summer. A stupid argument comes up (Usually my fault), we end up not talking for a week or two, then it goes back to the way it was before. Right now, it's one of those not talking periods. This time I don't think it's actually my fault, but, I could be wrong. To be honest, I'm getting tired of this constant arguing. It's almost always something stupid but we end up having a silly argument and someone ends up getting their feelings hurt. Usually me. The thing is, it's almost always the same thing that gets me down. Three little words. "I don't care." There's something about those 3 words that make me feel down. I should know by now that when she says it, she doesn't really mean it. I just can't help myself, but once I hear those words I end up saying something really sarcastic. The point of it is almost always that we're not true friends.

The thing is, I think we are. Even after our countless periods of not talking this year, we somehow always end up cool again. If she didn't care about me, she would never answer the phone when I call and let me apologize. If I didn't care, I wouldn't bother making the phone call in the first place. More than anything I wish I could move past this.

Looking back on this entry i realize it's kinda difficult to read. Then again, almost all my entries are difficult to read.

happy happy exmas

It's Christmas Eve and I'm here sitting on the floor of my room typing out another useless post on a blog that no one will read. I don't care.

I miss my family in the Philippines all of a sudden. It doesn't help that I spoke to my 5 year old cousin yesterday and she still seems too remember me. Remembering the togetherness I felt just at my grandmother's birthday, Now that it's Christmas that feeling of happiness will be everywhere over there. I went there during November of last year and it already felt like Christmas. It's Christmas Eve and I don't feel an ounce of Christmas spirit. To top it all off I have terrible grades this semester. The semester that just so happens to be the most important of my high school career.

I need to think about a New Years resolution as well. For now, I think it will be to be more confident in myself. That should be the basic one. And I guess to stop doubting my friends so much. That doubt seems to be really screwing up my friendship with someone. I can't seem to realize that if I was as annoying, selfish, ugly etc. as I say i am, she probably wouldn't be my closest friend. What I seem to be doing is constantly seeking reassurance that I mean something to her. I don't know. I finally get to the point where I realize what kind of a friend she is, and I promptly screw it up the next day. I end up losing her trust and now I'm here on Christmas Eve sitting on my floor thinking about this plus a million other reasons why my life sucks.

Merry Christmas to all.

Yee

It would be so much easier if for me if I could just stop caring about a particular person. It would actually be great if you could just stop caring about stuff you didn't want to as soon as you got tired of it. In my case, I spend all my time time thinking about all these silly little what ifs. All these what ifs make it so i end up constantly questioning our friendship. If I could just stop caring, I wouldn't have that problem. I'd be able to say "Go ahead, do whatever you want, I don't care."
But I can't. I'm not the kind of person who can simply stop caring about something. It becomes especially irritating when you know they don't care about you and yet you still find yourself caring about them. Grrr.
There totally wasn't any point to this point but I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest.
Almost Christmas. I wonder what I'm going to do this year...

im scared.
i need to go....somethiing