Three years on.

Nearly three full years since I've been on here. My old posts were so naive, my problems so mundane. Now, there's a different quality to them, but I can't quite put my finger on what makes them so different.

What kind of person am I? Seriously? What defines me as a person? Almost all my friends have a particular talent of their own that somewhat defines them. I have my artistic friends, musical friends, athletic friends, intelligent friends. . . Where do I fall in? Am I doomed to be the average? The one who makes up like 60% of the population? I don't know. I've made my forays into those areas and each time I manage to come up short. Guitar and harmonica were both failures as far as I'm concerned. I never learned more than the basic basics. Art has never been my thing at all so I can't really say I've tried in that. As far as academics, it seems like my time at that has passed. I think I peaked academically somewhere in the sixth grade. From there, I kinda just used what natural intelligence I had to coast through school. I'm not saying it worked, seeing as my highest high school G.P.A. was 2.5-__-. Now that I'm in college, I'm kicking myself mentally for not paying more attention in my English and Math classes.
In terms of athletics, I never quite made it there either. Tennis was my sport for a little while until I eventually lost interest for it. I picked up basketball about 3 years ago now and while I've managed to come a long way, I seem to have plateaued at being below average.

I don't know, it seems like a lot of these things are my own fault but I don't know. I don't even know what makes me me. Especially after today. I feel like now I just come off as an immature asshole with no redeeming qualities. I don't even feel like it would be possible for me to have a life changing epiphany. I think I think waay too much for that.

so i played this dude 21 just us two. surprisingly enough my 3 was falling. i swear its the shoes. i wonder what im gonna do with my life. my old mental images of what city life would be like are solwly fading. i love the shot from the opening credits of monk with him walking accross the st with the fog. idk. if i had an apartment, it would be filled with ikea shit.

^^^^^^^^^

word vomit -__-

So basically, im in a funk. again. times like this, i wish i could go hoop @ ac or something. im tired of people and obligations and failure. maybe i should throw myself into work andscool. maybe throw in some exercise too.

Finally making friends at school, but I have to wonder why it is I get along better with girls then with guys. Swapping drunk stories are always fun, and I find it funny that whenever I hear another person's story, it usually sounds super outrageous until I remember my stories. Then I remember thinking how normal everything was during that time.

Right now I'm itching to do something with myself, but I know the next few days will be chaotic. I'm gonna have to go back to high school to interview a teacher, pick up my uniform for work, go to Daly City with my mom, potentially go to Davis, work my other job, play some basketball, and then go to orientation for my new job. Whew, that's quite a weekend aha. Thank God it's gonna be spread out over 3 days. If anything, I have a feeling I won't end up going to Davis since I probably won't be done in Daly City til late.

Lately it seems as though no matter how hard I try to surround myself with people, ultimately no one gives a shit. The only people I can count on have been the ones who I already know I can count on. It's as if my friends are split into groups, with me having my fuckaround friends, weekend friends, school friends, and old friends. Problem is, I feel like I've been drifting away from everyone, even my best friend. What makes it worse is that it's getting harder to connect with new people. I feel like everyone around me has the sense that their current status in life is only temporary, with it being a waste to attempt anything remotely permanent.

The fact that my best friend and I are drifting apart hurts the most tho. Ever since she got that boyfriend, its been harder to get a hold of her, whether it be a kickit or a call. I know I should have expected it, what with this being her first real relationship, but it still hurts. What scares me the most about losing her is that I can safely say she's the one person who knows me best. We both have a thorough understanding of each others quirks and a million inside jokes and nicknames that only make sense to us. She made a point of telling me in the beginning of her relationship that she would always choose me over her boyfriend. Somehow, I don't think that's as true as it once was. Honestly, I want us to remain friends far into the future, but with her heading off to Sac for college, I'm not so sure if that's still a possibility. Another thing I think is pretty bad is the fact that I fear losing my best friend far more than I fear losing my girlfriend. I suppose part of it could be explained by their different attitudes toward the dumb shit that I do.

If I were to act a fool in a shopping mall, my best friend would just shake her head and ignore me for as long I was being dumb. My girlfriend would ignore me, get in a sour mood, and most likely have an attitude for the rest of the time we were there. When it comes to shit that could potentially injure me, my best friend usually watches with a sense of cautious facination while my gf will trip balls. And again, have an attitude for the rest of the day.

I don't know how I feel anymore honestly. People are drifting away from me and I feel like its impossible to reconnect.

When I'm the best player on a basketball team, you kno you gonna lose. Maybe if i was a better defender/passer/shooter we mighta had a chance. my team mates were only making open shots. If I were better, I could have done my part to get them open. nah, monta ellis status fer me.Super shot happy. final score was like 16-8 or something.

I read this article about Rasheed Wallace and how he happens to be a player who is capable of much more than what he shows on the court. Reading about what made him a bad player corresponds nearly perfectly to my basketball play recently. I always give up on defense, continually jack up threes, and continue to take bad shots. Yet when I try, I somehow manage to put together some semblance of control and end up doing good things. There was one game where I drove on nearly every possession and ended up scoring 7 or 8 of 11 total. Another game where I started off with 4 straight points and it was a mix of attacking the basket and jumpshots. Yet for every good game I have, there are 5 bad games I play.

I know what my problem is, but it's so hard for me to do anything about it.

About two years ago, I was on a Greyhound bus to L.A. with my mom. The bus had five pine tree air fresheners hanging near the bathroom. Smelled like shit and strawberries. Even then I wanted to be able to express the feelings I had from riding Greyhound. I told myself that maybe in the future I would be able to write about it properly.

Two years has passed.

Nothing has happened.

When I think back to that summer, the only thing that has changed is that I have more people to distract myself with. Not friends. Just people. People who I occasionally share a good time with, but ultimately care about me as much as they would a complete stranger. The only difference is they know my name.

How many people out there have thoughts that are unseen by the world due to sub par writing skills? It can't just be me. . .

no aim or fb or tumblr.

how long will i last?